Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
