I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
