My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
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call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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