I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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