I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
