Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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