i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
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I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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