It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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