i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
