Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
50% drunk capacity currently
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
