did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
