so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
