the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am available for nakedness
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
