my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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