God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
