I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
