First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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