Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
