Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
