They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
