Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
