He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
