Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
