man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
