I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
