I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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