I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
