The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
