so that wasnt chicken after all
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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