Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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