I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
