Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
