I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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