All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
