he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
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You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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