Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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