I met the friendliest cop last night
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
