I wish my penis had an off switch
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
