You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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