Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
