Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
