Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
