Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
