I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
