Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
