question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
