new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
