i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
