so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
