I heard we made out
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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