dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
