my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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