I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
