i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
