I just threw up on my dentist
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
40s are totally the cure
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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