I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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