There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
