peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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