remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
